D'oh! The Penguins Forget How to Hockey
Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2025 6:16 pm
D'oh! The Pittsburgh Penguins waddled into this game like they had just woken up from a long winter hibernation and forgot how to hockey. Playing with only 17 skaters? What is this, a pickup game at Moe’s Tavern? And then—BAM!—two defensemen go down faster than Homer chasing a runaway donut.
The first period? A snooze fest. Even the penalties were polite—just a little roughing to remind everyone that, yes, this is a contact sport. Then, in the second period, Mark Stone decided to take matters into his own hands. UNASSISTED?! That's just selfish! But hey, when you score, you get to make the rules. And before Pittsburgh even had time to say "D'oh!", Michael Anderson jumped in like "Me too!" and made it 2-0.
Meanwhile, Penguins goalie David Rittich was doing his best impression of a brick wall—with a couple of missing bricks. 24 saves out of 26 shots isn’t bad, but when your team is shooting like they forgot they had sticks, it doesn’t matter. Simeon Varlamov barely broke a sweat stopping all 15 shots that came his way. The Penguins' power play? More like power fail—0 for 3, matching the Whalers, but at least Hartford had goals from actual gameplay.
By the third period, everyone was just skating around waiting for the final whistle, probably dreaming of post-game cheeseburgers (or in Homer’s case, beer and donuts). The game stars? Stone, Varlamov, and Anderson—basically anyone in a Whalers jersey who remembered they were supposed to score.
So what did we learn today? Penguins may be great at waddling, but they’re terrible at winning when short-staffed. And never, EVER play hockey without enough defensemen. That’s like going to the Kwik-E-Mart and forgetting to buy beer—just a disaster waiting to happen. Mmmm… hockey.
The first period? A snooze fest. Even the penalties were polite—just a little roughing to remind everyone that, yes, this is a contact sport. Then, in the second period, Mark Stone decided to take matters into his own hands. UNASSISTED?! That's just selfish! But hey, when you score, you get to make the rules. And before Pittsburgh even had time to say "D'oh!", Michael Anderson jumped in like "Me too!" and made it 2-0.
Meanwhile, Penguins goalie David Rittich was doing his best impression of a brick wall—with a couple of missing bricks. 24 saves out of 26 shots isn’t bad, but when your team is shooting like they forgot they had sticks, it doesn’t matter. Simeon Varlamov barely broke a sweat stopping all 15 shots that came his way. The Penguins' power play? More like power fail—0 for 3, matching the Whalers, but at least Hartford had goals from actual gameplay.
By the third period, everyone was just skating around waiting for the final whistle, probably dreaming of post-game cheeseburgers (or in Homer’s case, beer and donuts). The game stars? Stone, Varlamov, and Anderson—basically anyone in a Whalers jersey who remembered they were supposed to score.
So what did we learn today? Penguins may be great at waddling, but they’re terrible at winning when short-staffed. And never, EVER play hockey without enough defensemen. That’s like going to the Kwik-E-Mart and forgetting to buy beer—just a disaster waiting to happen. Mmmm… hockey.
