RSHL Gretzky Division Roast: Who’s Rising, Who’s Flopping, and Who’s Just Here for the Cardio

[Nostradumbass]

Alright, buckle up, because I’m about to roast these teams like marshmallows at a summer campfire. Welcome to the Gretzky Division, where only one squad will rise, and the rest will flounder like a fish outta water. Let’s break it down, team by team, with some predictions about who’s actually gonna show up and who’s just there for the cardio.

1st Place – Edmonton Oilers
Oh look, it’s the team that has Connor McDavid. Do I even need to say more? The guy’s so fast, even speed limits are jealous. Pair him up with Mitch Marner, who's racking up points faster than bad takes on hockey Twitter, and Sam Reinhart, who knows how to bury pucks like an undertaker. This trio is going to do ungodly things to the scoreboard. And let’s talk MVP—McDavid, obviously. He’s the closest thing to a cheat code this league has. The Oilers are winning this division because, quite frankly, if they don’t, they need to delete their franchise.
Top Three Scorers: Connor McDavid, Mitch Marner, Sam Reinhart.
Team MVP: Connor McDavid.

2nd Place – Vancouver Canucks
Sidney Crosby is still playing, folks, and he’s probably still better than half of the league. But he’s got Kirill Kaprizov and David Pastrnak alongside him, which means goals are coming in like spam emails. The Canucks are the kind of team that’ll make every game feel like a heart attack for their fans—brilliant one night, a tire fire the next. Their defense will look solid thanks to Cale Makar and Roman Josi, but let’s be real, it’s their offensive weapons that will keep them in the race. MVP? Kaprizov—because this guy’s got magic in his stick, even when the team is playing like they just learned the rules that morning.
Top Three Scorers: Kirill Kaprizov, David Pastrnak, Leon Draisaitl.
Team MVP: Kirill Kaprizov.

3rd Place – Calgary Flames
The Flames are that team you want to believe in, but somehow, they always find a way to disappoint. That said, Brayden Point, Clayton Keller, and Joel Eriksson Ek should be their top dogs, and if this squad can put their past mediocrity behind them, they might surprise us. Victor Hedman leads the blueline, which is great—except if he has to spend the whole season covering for defensive mishaps. MVP? Point—because if anyone’s gonna drag these guys out of their own mess, it’s him.
Top Three Scorers: Brayden Point, Clayton Keller, Brady Tkachuk.
Team MVP: Brayden Point.

4th Place – Colorado Avalanche
Ah yes, the Avalanche—a team that could be good but probably won't be. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins will put up numbers, Elias Lindholm will do his job, and Jonathan Marchessault will quietly rack up goals while nobody appreciates him enough. Their defense? It’s like building a house out of wet cardboard—Brady Skjei is solid, but not enough to stop a real offensive powerhouse. MVP? Nugent-Hopkins, because no matter how the season shakes out, he’s gonna carry this team like a pack mule.
Top Three Scorers: Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, Elias Lindholm, Jonathan Marchessault.
Team MVP: Ryan Nugent-Hopkins.

5th Place – Seattle Kraken
And in last place, we have the Kraken, the team that’s still figuring out how to exist. Their best players are Quinton Byfield, Troy Terry, and Jake Sanderson, which means they have talent but nowhere near the firepower needed to compete with the big guns. They’ll score, sure, but they’ll also get scored on—a lot. Their season is gonna be like a bad reality show, painful to watch but strangely entertaining. MVP? Terry, because he’ll be the one guy putting up numbers while the rest of the team looks lost.
Top Three Scorers: Quinton Byfield, Troy Terry, Dylan Guenther.
Team MVP: Troy Terry.

Division MVP – Connor McDavid
Yeah, did you really think it’d be anyone else? The guy’s basically an alien playing in a league full of mortals.
So there you have it—the Gretzky Division, where one team reigns supreme and the rest battle for scraps. I’d say I hope everyone has a good season, but let’s be real—some of these squads should just hope for a less embarrassing one.

[HartfordWhalers]

I think the Canucks are going to get ring #6.

[Avalanche]

Guentzel is no impressed as per avalanche news

[HartfordWhalers]

You're saying Guentzel mad he wasn't even mentioned or mad he didn't beat Connor out for the division MVP?

[Nostradumbass]

Oh damn. Forgot Guentzel. Crystal ball foggy.