The Norris Division Dumpster Derby: Ranking the RSHL’s Finest Mediocrity

[Nostradumbass]

Buckle up, hockey degenerates, because it’s time to dig into the RSHL’s Norris Division—a division so mid it might as well be sponsored by lukewarm tap water. We’ve got five teams clawing at relevance like a raccoon in a dumpster fire, so let’s power-rank these future disappointments and figure out who might actually stumble their way into winning this thing. Spoiler alert: it’s like picking the cleanest sock from a pile of gym laundry.

St. Louis Blues – Predicted Finish: 1st

If you like depth, scoring, and players who don’t skate like they’re hauling groceries, the Blues might just be your sorry excuse for a champion. They’ve got four lines that can all hurt you—emotionally and on the scoreboard. Nikita “Goal Factory” Kucherov, Kyle “Suddenly Elite” Connor, and Nic “Wait, He’s Good Now?” Roy are your best bets to light the lamp, while the rest of the roster chips in like a crowd at a failing open mic night.

Top Three Scorers: Nikita Kucherov, Kyle Connor, Jason Robertson.
Team MVP: Nikita Kucherov.

Nashville Predators – Predicted Finish: 2nd

Nashville is like your uncle’s garage band: too much noise, not enough hits. They’re top-heavy, and that top is Seth “Blitzkrieg” Jarvis, Josh “Car Alarm” Norris (because he goes off at the worst times), and Logan “Silent But Deadly” Cooley. They’ll score in bunches, but don’t expect consistency—unless you count consistently making their goalie cry.

Top Three Scorers: Seth Jarvis, Josh Norris, Logan Cooley.
Team MVP: Seth Jarvis – Like a bull in a china shop, if the bull also dabbled in arson.

Minnesota Wild – Predicted Finish: 3rd

Minnesota has the offensive explosiveness of a soggy firecracker, but they make up for it with defense that could strangle a goat. Their offense revolves around “Captain Invisible” Robert Thomas, “Harder to Spell Than to Stop” Vladimir Tarasenko, and “Probably a Real Person” JJ Peterka. If they win games, it'll be 2-1 grindfests that make you question your love for the sport.

Top Three Scorers: Robert Thomas, Vladimir Tarasenko, JJ Peterka.
Team MVP: Evan Bouchard – The only guy on this team who plays like he’s got a clue.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Predicted Finish: 4th

Columbus is the human embodiment of spilled soup—chaotic, sad, and strangely sticky. Aleksander “No, Not That One” Barkov, Cole “Discount Store” Caufield, and Sam “Why Is He Still Here?” Bennett will shoulder the offense, which is like asking three cats to carry a couch. They’ll beat teams when the stars align and everyone else is concussed.

Top Three Scorers: Aleksander Barkov, Cole Caufield, Sam Bennett.
Team MVP: Aleksander Barkov – If he gets hot, they might not finish last. That’s about as optimistic as it gets.

Chicago Blackhawks – Predicted Finish: 5th

This team is such a mess, even the Zamboni driver’s asking for a trade. The Hawks are rebuilding, which is code for “we’re not even pretending to try.” Nazem “Future Taxi Squad Captain” Kadri, Brendan “Who?” Gallagher, and Reilly “Could Be Worse” Smith will try to provide offense, and it’ll be about as effective as a screen door on a submarine.

Top Three Scorers: Nazem Kadri, Brendan Gallagher, Reilly Smith
Team MVP: Jonathan Quick – He’s the last man standing on a sinking ship.

Final Predicted Standings:

St. Louis Blues – Deep, dangerous, and just competent enough to make everyone else look bad.

Nashville Predators – One line of chaos and a prayer.

Minnesota Wild – Defensively solid but offensively tragic.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Occasionally entertaining in the same way a trainwreck is.

Chicago Blackhawks – Bring snacks, it's gonna be a long season.

Division MVP: Nikita Kucherov – This man is gonna carry the division like it owes him child support.

So there you have it. The Blues take the crown in the Norris Division, which is like winning a pie-eating contest where the prize is more pie. Congratulations in advance—try not to throw your backs out carrying this whole division.

[HartfordWhalers]

Must have been really hard to pick Kucherov. Out on a limb there. Duh

[HartfordWhalers]

See what you're saying about the snacks comment now.

Where do you think you're gonna finish?

Rob